No Context Things Jenn Has Said

The last couple of days I’ve been debating on whether to post something about war, but honestly I just can’t. I wrote a book about being in the military and I work for the military, but right now I just can’t. I assure you I’m protesting and calling and looking out for those I love, but I can’t go down that road right now.

Instead I’m going to give you a list I compiled of funny shit Jenn has said. But, just for further fun, you get no context. These are published with her permission, despite what the antepenultimate entry says.

She thinks she’s funny. I’ll let you decide.

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No Context Things Jenn Has Said

Subtitled: Scenes from a Relationship

I am not wet meat in a can.

You are not going to put that there.

Jessica would murder you and wear red to your funeral.

Don’t wrap my head in your fart blanket.

I really just need someone around who will get me snacks.

Ooooh, look at those eggs.

He’s a model? Maybe a foot model.

That redneck house is making our redneck house look bad.

I bet that guy smells like an old vat of oil.

You better make it fuckin’ beautiful.

What’s the penis up drug?

You don’t even know how to use the word ‘tone’ correctly.

Just what we need in college sports: more beer.

You can’t get dog-butt smell out of a carpet.

I have to eat my shitball in peace.

You weirdo.

You fucking sicko.

It looks like poop soup.

Oh look at our cute feet.

Well, stop doing stupid shit.

Food should not come from a can.

I don’t know who these fucking people are.

Why would you put ‘Rest in peace, Dad,’ on your butt crack?

I knew it. I was trying to go through all the shit things you might say in my head.

No, you can’t blame your farts on me.

Let’s call it like it is—you’re being a dick.

No, you cannot write that down and show it to your Substack.

You think these entries make me sound funny but really they just make you look bad.

I say funny shit all the time, Paul.

(All Tip Jar proceeds will go to dinner and gifts for Jenn.)